In the process of getting ready to move to Hawaii to become full-time missionaries with YWAM, insecurity began to creep in again. I was about to leave our home, our family, our friends, our community, our church, our income and everything that had come to represent security and comfort for me. Once again, I was being called upon to rely on God. 

The last time we went to YWAM, I was bombarded with irrational thoughts about myself and believed terrible things about others’ perceptions of me. As a person who has struggled off and on to find worth, which often has manifested in the struggle to appreciate how God has created me physically, I realized that this battle might rear its ugly head again. There’s a reason it’s called YOUTH with a Mission. Most of the people here are in their late teens and early twenties. Beautiful girls are everywhere, which in the past really exacerbated my own feelings of not being beautiful. 

The first Saturday that we were in Kona in 2019, we walked four miles to get to a beach that had sand rather than just lava rock. The day was intensely hot and muggy, my shoulders were injured, I couldn’t swim with Jeff and the girls, and I was just plain hot. Walking another four miles back to the base in this state was exhausting. By the time I got back to our little apartment, my face was literally (no exaggeration) the color of a tomato. It’s crazy what happened to me when I looked in the mirror that evening. Shame swept over me, and the word “hideous” was the only word that came to mind. I looked at my face and was convinced that I should not go to the cafeteria because I was simply hideous. I actually thought that I should protect people from seeing my face. I bought this lie that Satan was feeding me and thought it would be a kindness to others to just hide at home. (Side note: I’ve also learned that when I have feelings like this, often times it’s God calling me to pray for others experiencing the same thing, especially if I don’t typically struggle with those thoughts.)

Fast-forward to August 2022. God had been working on me, and I had experienced so much victory in this area of my life. All of a sudden though, these kinds of thoughts that used to cripple me were starting to creep in again. However, this time I had more in my arsenal to fight off these attacks. I brought my thoughts into the light and had friends pray with me. I combatted these lies by renewing my mind and reminding myself that I am a daughter of the most high God who created me with purpose and intention. As I daily prayed on the armor of God, I allowed him to wash over me with my true identity: I am his beloved, accepted daughter who He cherishes. God also blessed me with an object lesson our last week in Idaho.

My friend came over one evening to talk, and we decided to walk my dog, Milo. As we were walking, she casually commented, “Milo is a basic dog.” I bristled a little bit and asked her what she meant. She went on to explain that he wasn’t super extraordinary or smart, he was just your basic dog who was sweet but was kind of just there. It’s funny how internally defensive I got because I think Milo is REALLY smart, that he is the cutest, sweetest, most amazing dog and that he is not basic at all! I felt offended! I knew she wasn’t trying to offend me – honestly, she was just making a casual comment, but I had a hard time not telling her how wrong she was. The calm side of me understood that it didn’t matter, so I let it go.

On my morning walk with Milo the next day, God nudged me and asked me how I was feeling about the comment made about my puppy. I told the Lord that I thought Milo was so sweet and cute and fun and SMART and seriously the best dog ever and that I didn’t understand how anyone could think he was anything less than amazing. I poured out my complaint. Then God quietly said, “That’s how I feel about you, Tori.” I stopped and began to cry. It had all been a big set-up! I finally understood!!! All this time I had been listening to comments that were contrary to God’s (and Jeff’s) opinion of me; God had been trying to convey to me that He loves me just as I am. He thinks I’m wonderful. All the times people have called me average didn’t change my worth at all. God has loved me all along. Not only that, JEFF has loved me all along. He hasn’t been comparing me with others. He has loved me all this time because he loves who I am, just as I am.

It’s possible for the people in our lives to think we are wonderful even if the world screams a different message. We are loved. I am loved!!!!! My God and my people actually love me and think I am amazing. Perhaps it’s silly that God used a dog to drive home a point He’s been trying to teach me for decades, but it worked! He knew what it would take to show me my worth. Somehow, I’m now happy to be a “basic dog”.

Lesson #4: God even uses dogs to teach us things.

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